I have been feeling these weird feelings around the topic of death. I guess because I am scared of it myself in some cases. I like to think that if we die; it will be like a video game and you respawn. I guess that’s what I tell myself to stay happy and be positive.

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It’s a bubble that I created in my head to shelter me from it; because I don’t know how to deal with the topic mentally, or emotionally. I have so many friends that have lost someone they love and have experienced a death in the family. While I tell them I’m sorry for their loss, I just don’t know how it feels and what they are going through and how to help them. I told myself I don’t want to lose anyone in my life and I keep myself isolated from people because I am going through a lot myself so I keep to myself. Now I know I can’t do that anymore moving forward, I can’t shut myself off because that’s not fair to me and to the people that love me because one day I might not wake up. Today, I just found out that my grand father on my moms side just passed away in his sleep. To know that this happened and that I haven’t seen him or spoke to him since my freshman year of college or maybe even my senior in high school. This breaks my heart that even though I haven’t seen him or spoke to him, I have to live with the fact that I didn’t get to see or talk to him before he passed away. We weren’t close but it’s still that factor, he’s my grandpa. He gave me candy, and let me sit on his lap when I was kid, I don’t remember much because I block out memories but I know me and my mom lives with him and my grandma in a house in jersey. I just want him to respawn back to life so that we can make up for lost time and say goodbye. why is this bothering me so much the way that it is? The only pictures I have of me and him are is that baby picture that cut of my head. Why is it we live to only die? There’s only one way to come into this world, but yet so many ways to die. I just thought life was so supposed to be beautiful and happy. When I think of death it just makes me feel depressed and unsure, it makes me feel like I should probably live in a bubble. 

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