Sometimes the only thing you can do is do what’s right for you. If they ain’t hearing you, do what you gotta do. When they ask you why are you so distant just look at them and say why weren’t you there when i needed you the most. Past loves never worked out, abused, used, mistreated. They didn’t know how to love me, i gave my all to them until there was nothing else left of me to give.

That’s why I’m so conflicted with the love that god has for me. That’s why i cant give Myself over to him and fully trust he will do what he gotta do in my life. These dudes ain’t nothing just like Kehlani said fuck all these ni**as. My dad said there would be a day when a guy would come along and he will be your Mr.right.The only thing is he gotta know how to love you make you feel secure in all the right ways, but you won’t let him. You’ll keep pushing and pushing him away fighting the love he wants to give you because your to traumatized by the hurt of your past. The bloody nose, the hands wrapped around your neck causing you to black out, the lies, the cheating, the bruises you had to lie about and say you fall, the money being taken from you, having an abortion at three months. These are the thoughts that linger in my brain on a daily basis making me question; Am I a horrible person? Did I deserve these things that happened to me? Do I even deserve love, true love at that? I thought it would be easy to hide and not think about it but the truth is its not. This is my story, my truth, my hurt. The subconscious part of my brain plays tricks with me some days are good and some days I just want to be left alone. The light that I had is dimmed. No I’m not having a pity party on myself, I’m writing, the one thing I can do now. These words flow so easily to me because these are my words, this is my life. I guess you can say it’s therapeutic poetry to say the least. But it ain’t gonna change the fact that the pain that  I have is ruining my fairy tale in the end.

 

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